Short Screenplay - Advice

[Road_Devil29]

Can anyone give me advice, tell me what you think, do i have any talent at this, i know this piece might bw hard but i just wrote it, it's not realy good and i'm going to go back to it and try a little harder

The Counselor

FADE IN

INT. HALLWAY ? SCHOOL - DAY

People continue to rush through the hallways. It is hectic and very stressful especially for Judy. She is standing at her open locker with two people.

JUDY
(casually)
I got kicked out last night.

SAM
Really?

JUDY
Yeah, just I couldn?t handle it anymore. I just snapped.

PRISCILLA
Did you call me at 2 in the morning?

JUDY
I just went to the park, sat on a bench and stayed there all night.

PRISCILLA
Why did you run out like that?

J

JUDY
Sometimes there?s something in your head telling you that if you don?t a disaster will occur.

SAM
Like what?

JUDY
I don?t know Sam; all I did was act on instinct.

SAM
Are you all right then?

JUDY
What a clich?. Are you all right, is there any other phrase in the English language used more then those three words when something goes wrong.

PRISCILLA
Should we?

JUDY
(interrupts)
Don?t bother I have to go.

Judy takes some books from the locker, walks away from her friends not even looking at them. Sam goes to close Judy?s locker then turns to Priscilla

SAM
I still think we should talk to her first.

PRISCILLA
You heard the girl, she?s not listening.

SAM
She?ll feel betrayed.

PRISCILLA
I have no choice.

SAM
(getting angry)
As her boyfriend I think I have a say in this.

PRISCILLA
And as her best friend I think I know what?s right for her.

SAM
You bring her to the counselor and you can just forget about a friend, she?ll hate you.

PRISCILLA
I have to take that chance, that girl is messed.

SAM
This is stupid you know that, you?re giving up 13 years of friendship.

PRISCILLA
If I have to give up thirteen years just to help my best friend then I?d do it in a second.


SAM
Whoever assigned you this job?

PRISCILLA
After years of seeing what goes on with her I gave myself that position. Are you finished yet because I have to get to class.

SAM
Yes.

Sam walks off down the hallway as angry as he can be. Priscilla turns around and starts to walk to other way when she turns around to see if Sam is still there.

PRISCILLA
(yelling to Sam)
Remember be there at 10:00.

Sam ignores her and just keeps walking. Priscilla gets a little worried.

INT. Bathroom ? School - Day

Judy is in the bathroom, she looks at the mirror, touches the image of her face and her sleeve slides down her arm and reveals cuts. She looks at the cuts and then when somebody walks in, looks at Judy. Judy quickly dabs a little lipstick on and walks out as fast as she can.

INT. Classroom ? School - Day

Priscilla is sitting in class watching the clock go; she tries to take her mind of by scratching her desk. Not being able to pay any attention she stares at the repetitive clicks of the second hand.

PRISCILLA
Sorry, but the guidance counselor wants me to meet with him in the office soon.

MR. JELLYBERRY
Yes, yes I know he told me earlier today. Us teachers gossip to you know. We?re not all brain rotting maggots here.

Priscilla stands up and makes her way to the door. At the door she turns around and faces Mr. Jellyberry

PRISCILLA
Thank you, just so you know it might be a while so.

MR. JELLYBERRY
Take the books don?t worry there?s no homework for you tonight.

PRISCILLA
I really appreciate it.

Priscilla turns around and leaves the classroom shutting the door behind her

INT. Classroom ? School - Day

Judy not paying attention, is drawing a morbid picture when the teacher slowly walks over to her and sits in a chair next to her.

JUDY
(panicking)
Sorry, I?ll do the work. What was it again, mitosis.

MS. VAUGHN
Shakespeare.

JUDY
Help me please.

Judy bangs her head on the desk, Ms. Vaughn puts her hand on Judy?s back and rubs it.

MS. VAUGHN
Is everything all right? You seem a little exhausted today. Maybe you would like to go to the guidance office.

JUDY
Oh, All right.

Judy takes her books, stands up and leaves the classroom.

INT. Guidance Office ? School - Day

Judy walks slowly into the guidance office ominously, she sees the counselor standing at a desk reading something and mouthing the words. Hesitantly Judy walks towards the counselor and taps him on the shoulder.

JUDY
Mr. Gleeban, Ms. Vaughn told me to come, is there something wrong. Did I do something wrong?

MR. GLEEBAN
Follow me, I want to discuss something.

JUDY
All right, there?s not much to discuss though.

MR. GLEEBAN
Judy tell me something, if you trust someone and they do something to violate that trust is it possible for the trust to still be there.

JUDY
I wish I knew.

Judy follows Mr. Gleeban. Walking slowly and nervous.

INT. Office ? School - Day

Mr. Gleeban?s office. Judy is surprised to see her boyfriend Sam and best friend Priscilla are sitting opposite from each other, looking at Judy.


JUDY
(defensively)
What is this?


MR. GLEEBAN
Come on, sit down.

Judy sits down, looking at her friends almost in shock.

PRISCILLA
This is just 4 people sitting around having a conversation.

Sam does not say much but speaks with body language.

MR. GLEEBAN
Is that all right with you if we just all talk?

JUDY
Fine diddly fiddly

MR. GLEEBAN
How are your classes, I haven?t had the chance to talk with your teachers lately. But from what I see your marks are right on the hairline to the honor roll.

PRISCILLA
That?s great isn?t it; I told you that hard work would pay off.

MR. GLEEBAN
Do you study a lot?

JUDY
No.


MR. GLEEBAN
How do you spend your time?

JUDY
Homework, reading. I like art.

PRISCILLA
Oh yea she does, one time we went to this museum and she could describe paintings the way some of the older people there couldn?t. It was stunning.

JUDY
Yea cool.

MR. GLEEBAN
Can you show us anything that you?ve drawn?


JUDY
No.

PRISCILLA
Why not, they?re really good.

JUDY
They are personal, besides they suck.

PRISCILLA
You can?t say that.

JUDY
Hand me a mirror.

PRISCILLA
For what.

JUDY
Just give me a mirror.

PRISCILLA
All right I probably have one in my purse.

Priscilla rummages around her purse, pulls out a makeup mirror and hands it to Judy. Judy opens it and looks at herself.

JUDY
Hmm, looks like you?re not me Priscilla.

Judy slams the mirror down. Priscilla takes the mirror from the table and puts it back in her purse. Never taking her eyes off of Judy.

PRISCILLA
Don?t do that.

JUDY
Are you my mother?

PRISCILLA
No but?

JUDY
Then stay out of my business.

MR. GLEEBAN
Do you know why we called you down?

PRISCILLA
I only want to help you, I know something?s wrong. Better yet I know what?s wrong and I need you to know that we are all here for you. Right Sam?

SAM
Judy, listen I love you; you know I would never want to hurt you.

JUDY
Yea. How could you do this to me Sam? You of all people should know what it feels like to be in the center of a circus like this.

PRISCILLA
I can help you. What?s going on in your family is not your fault.

JUDY
My father did what no man should ever do to a daughter or another human being but he did Priscilla, he did it to me. I have to live my life knowing that no matter where I go or who I see I can no longer breathe the same air they breathe.

MR. GLEEBAN
What your father did was wrong.


JUDY
He?s my father. I?m binded to that, it says so in the bible. Honor thy mother and father. Piece of ****. God?s a piece of **** for making it that much harder on me.

MR. GLEEBAN
God is known for making exceptions. He hears your cries and he will help you through this.

JUDY
He got me into it, how can he get me through it.

MR. GLEEBAN
With faith, trust me he?ll get you through it.

JUDY
**** God, and **** man to. My father beat me! Not just a little slap or a push against the wall he literally tore my room apart, posters, bed sheets, clothes, everything. Took me by the arm, threw me violently to the ground I was too scared to cry. He took a shovel and whacked my limbs in, arms and legs. When the first whack was over I felt paralyzed. I prayed to God to take my soul right then and there, never to return. That?s when I lost my faith, somewhere in between the time he threw me nearly out the window and ripped my clothes off and near raped me. I escaped when he dropped the shovel, that?s when I grabbed it as I was under his 200-pound body I took the shovel and jammed the handle into his rib cage. He screamed like a lion and I just ran out of there and left the house for the night. When I came back my father was gone and my mother found a pretty convenient way to force my fathers drunken rage onto me. What?s worse is that the entire time I knew he was thinking straight I just didn?t know what he was thinking about.

MR. GLEEBAN
Your friends love you very much. Enough to come and try to help.

PRISCILLA
He?s right you know. I know it happened a long time ago, other people would be saying get over it but I wholeheartedly understand and I love you with such a deep emotion that I want to see you get better.

SAM
We?ll get through this.

JUDY
No we won?t, I appreciate all your help but it can?t be done, I?ve tried so hard to forget all this but it can?t be done. Just forget it.

SAM
No I won?t forget it, you helped me. Remember, can you remember 3 years ago a boy who had no money, bad grades, bad haircut. I was on the right track and fell over and over. You really helped me get started on the right track.

JUDY
You?re a special case, it was just money. Money can?t heal the soul.

SAM
No it can?t but love can. As corny as it may seem love can give you a second chance and I know you want it.

Mr. GLEEBAN
Why do you feel as if you need to remember such tragedies?

JUDY
I don?t, it?s only one.

MR. GLEEBAN
How long ago was this?

JUDY
2 and a half years.

PRISCILLA
It?s time to let go Judy, for you.

JUDY
I tried! I keep telling you I tried to forget what my father did to me but I can?t!!! You get that, I can?t forget it?s with me I feel it all the time.

PRISCILLA
Let it go! It?s not your fault. Your father had mental problems; he was going to do this for a long time. He had a violent temper to begin with. Something like this was going to happen.

JUDY
Why me, why wouldn?t my Mother divorce him. Why did she turn her back on me?

Sam goes to Judy?s knees and looks up at her.

SAM
It happened all right, there?s no answer but if you?re going to let this ruin your life then you let him win. I know that?s not you.

JUDY
Oh Sam, I want to forget. It?s hard. It hurts; I can see it in my heart. It breaks every time I see that man. Every time I think I?m better I get worse.

MR. GLEEBAN
I?ve talked to Priscilla?s Mom and she said that she?s more then happy to take you in until you and Priscilla graduate High School then go to college. You just have to report this, all right. Only then can you really stop looking back.


JUDY
I hope so.

Judy, Sam and Priscilla all stand up.

Mr. GLEEBAN
I think our time here is up. How are you feeling?

JUDY
Too much at once.

Mr. GLEEBAN
I hope it works out, do me a favor, next time something bad happens don?t let your friends take the floor for you.

JUDY
I will.

All three leave the room. Judy who is the last gives Mr. Gleeban a friendly smile. Then leaves the room.

INT. Hallway ? School - Day

All three are standing out in the hall. An uncomfortable silence is in place. Sam gives Judy a hug and kiss on her cheek then leaves her and Priscilla behind.

PRISCILLA
I?m not sorry.

JUDY
I?m not either.


PRISCILLA
I had to do that. I know you?re not wanting to live like this.

JUDY
That was the nicest thing anybody has ever done for me. I thank you.

PRISCILLA
I love you, you know that right?

JUDY
I know what it means now. I think.

PRISCILLA
Are we still friends?

JUDY
I don?t know, can we still be friends after a revelation like this.

PRISCILLA
I?ll take that as a yes.

JUDY
Why not.


Both girls just look at each other without saying anything. Priscilla begins to cry. Judy takes her in her own arms and holds her. When the part both girls walk off in separate directions

FADE OUT

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[younggun]

OK, MUSH YOURE BLATANTLY AMERICAN. IM TRYING A STAB AT SCREENWRITING TOO AND IT AINT GOING TO WELL I KNOW WHAT YOU MEAN WHEN YOU SAY "HAVE I GOT ANY TALENT AT THIS". I THOUGHT IT WAS ALRIGHT(I ONLY READ A BIT), BUT I WOULDNT HAVE BROUGHT IT. WHAT IS IT ABOUT? WHAT MAKES IT DIFFERENT FROM OTHER TEEN FILMS? AND QUESTIONS LIKE THAT.

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[Mods]

Great conversation, well done. Much better than some of the normal stuff I see:

Mods:
Hello.

Mr Smoker:
Hi.

Mods:
How are you?

Mr Smoker:
Yes I am fine thank you.

THAT = un-natural conversation. You've got good flow and even some decent wording.

Don't forget your "y'know's, d'you's, gonna's, wanna's" etc ... they're all natural conversation.


Mods

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Mark "Mods" Lovegrove

[LAmind]

Before i begin critisizing your script let me just say this: I base my opinion on what i read, and i do not intend or wish to attack your, the writer in any way. I would say the same if you were my best friend. Please take my critisism as my helpful advice, rather than an insult.

Also i just want to congratulate you. It takes a lot to acctually finish a script. It takes determination. So here's what i thought...

First thing i want to know is: How old are you. Please tell me.

For the first 70% of the script i didn't know where you were taking me or what you were trying to tell me.

It was hard for me to like this because of that terrifying beating scene with the dad and Judy.

What i didn't like about this script is this: It seems to me that whenever someone exibits signs of ultra-violence (like you did) in their writing, what it shows is an immature mind. The writer of KIDS, Harmony Korine, wrote tht movie when he was a teen. I could tell he wanted to pack it with as much shocking things as possible. That's what your script feels like to me. I felt like I was just living what you wanted me to see and feel, you wanted me to be shocked, and i could sense this. This made me look down on this script.

The characters were very 2-D. A girl in highschool, her best girlfriend, her loving boyfriend, and a caring councler. It's all been done. I didn't find anything new here.

The script oesn't flow TIME-wise. The day is just broken up too strangely. First we see all the characters in a set-up scene, next thing we know... they all get broken up into sections and regrouped back together. I didn't like that.

I felt like there was no point to this script. What are you trying to tell me? What am i sopposed to feel? Am i sopposed to pity Judy? Hate the father? What did u want me to feel?

Some diolouge is below mediocre. If the memory of that night was that painful to Judy, she would have never have the strengh to say what happened infront of her freinds and especially the councler. Study the speech patterns between students and teachers, and students and students. What exactly does "fine diddly fiddly" sopposed to mean???

I felt like i was fed sympathy down my throut. And it made me sick.

My overall opinion is this: It's overly ambitious. An exhebition of your own ability to shock YOURSELF. There was a major absence of originality and content.

Keep writing whatever you do. Take people's advice and critisism when they give it to you. Some people know what they're talking about. Good luck

-Ivan

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"A place for everything and everything in it's place".

[Davis]

Dude, I know at first it's totally gonna suck reading LAmind's post, but take his first and last words as well as the middle. Don't give up, don't stop trying. We all love movies here, and we all have written stuff that wasn't good.

The point LAmind made I most agree with (tho all his points were good, he gave great critisism and didn't just say "I don't like it.") was that it's force fed sympathy. At the end of the script, you don't sit back and say, "Wow, I've learned something," or "Dude... that's crazy." You just say, "Well, sucks to be her... but I don't know her. Well, I'm gonna get some tacos." Because we don't really know her. We don't know her enough to care more then we care about a bum in the street: yeah, sucks to be the bum, maybe we'll throw him a few bucks (or quid), but we're not going to cry for him. Or her.

No one likes the bad critisism as much as the good, but it's a measure of your talent as a writer if you can accept these and LA's words and use them when you sit down for your next script. Good luck!

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"He who breaks a thing to discover what it is has left the path of wisdom."
-Gandalf

www.pmind.com

[BuBu]

Firstly well done on being brave enough to show your work and ask for total strangers opinions. We have no idea of you or your background so it takes guts.
The script seemed a little cliche....why did you write this? what was your purpose? because it didn't seem to achieve or say anything.
Although the idea for the script is a little weak and the ending too predictable your actual writing skills are not that bad and you have good fluidity. keep trying but maybe write something that pushes the reader and then ultimatley the viewer. Good luck.

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